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i know, right?
modern romance, tanqueray, that noise my phone makes when i get a text + other reasons i need to get my life together
~ Monday, March 4 ~
~ Friday, February 1 ~
Was thinking about how I might have someone back to my apartment tonight and then quickly realized I’m not willing to move the box of double stuff Oreos next to my bed.
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~ Wednesday, January 30 ~
~ Wednesday, January 9 ~
Having a dialogue with ma little bro
~ Saturday, January 5 ~
Christoph Waltz is maybe the most bangable guy in Hollywood right now. I would hit it so hard. THAT BEARD.
because I'm a weeeeeirdo
- Me: No, they broke up. She met a new guy on NYE, and they went out last night. I, of course, have no one and no prospects and never will.
- Sister: At least you have a better job than everyone now
- Me: Yea. There's that.
- Sister: And then when people ask why you're not seeing anyone you can say, no I'm more focused on my career right now.
- Me: That sounds horrid. I hate people who say that. I'd rather screw up my face and say "because I'm a weeeeeirdo"
- Sister: Say "I'm just trying out being asexual for a while" and then lick your wrist and walk away
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“ Someone asked me if when people write mean stuff on Twitter or in comments, does that upset you? And it’s like, no, not really, because anyone I really respect - like other comedians or Apatow - I’ve never heard of them doing something like that. Do you know of anyone you admire or respect that’s randomly shitted on something in a comments section? Just written “you suck” to someone or “you’re not funny?” No. No one that’s made anything of value or created anything great does stuff like that.
— Aziz Ansari on You Made It Weird (via andrewmcclain)
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Sister is in the UK drowning in handsome men. I am not.
- sister: I have a surprise for you!
- me: WHAT IS IT?
- sister: Can't tell you. Until next Thursday. When it will show up at the house.
- me: Are you sending me a British lover? Please let it be a British lover.
~ Sunday, December 30 ~
it probably is, you guys.
“Sigh. What if the best sweater I’m ever going to own is already in my closet?” - What I think when I’m on Pinterest.
~ Saturday, December 29 ~
“ Does my hair look good braided?
— And other questions that get asked in the studio on a slow news day.
“ It’s terrible, isn’t it, the way we throw people away?
— Kate Morton, The Secret Keeper (via dulcetdecember)
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~ Sunday, December 23 ~
Cheers to all those single people who are getting wasted with their best friends at their parents’ place this weekend. Our lives aren’t so bad. ALCOHOL.
(Source: posporia)
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“ Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them.
— Beth Ditto (via loveyourchaos)
(Source: assesdo)
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~ Sunday, December 16 ~
You can gauge how long it is since the last time I had sex by how inappropriate my underwear choice is for my daily to-do list.
John Cusack helpfully reminds men in High Fidelity that all women save their best underwear for the nights they know they’re going to have sex.
But he didn’t mention the dry-spell laundry day debacle. When ladies are not getting laid, they blow thru their comfortable, sensible underwear in no time. Three weeks into not having done any laundry, I’m stuck wearing the world’s most impractical thong under the sweats I slept in last night to go buy some toothpaste. It never fails. On laundry day I’m always wearing something I’m humiliated that I even purchased in the first place.
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Posts that have made me click the 
button
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Anonymous asked: I think I'm falling for my best friend's boyfriend... HELP! Please.
I’m going to skip the part where I say “don’t fuck with your friend’s boyfriend because that’s what assholes do” and say this instead: In my experience, couples want nothing more than to set their...
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“There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never.”— Ryan Adams (via rainydaysandblankets)
